I originally wrote this letter to a friend of mine, but the content of it can apply to any relationship, most importantly the one we have with self. This relationship, or lack thereof, serves as foundational framework from which all subsequent relationships are built from.
DEAR EGO SELF:
As someone who has always been a natural empath since I was a child, I feel that you are deeply suffering.
It is my feeling and intuition that you are blocking or suppressing something from childhood that you may not recall that created feelings of deep toxic shame and self hate. It may not be necessary to identify what that was and if it is buried in your subconscious, it is next to impossible to release it because of how the brain became wired and programmed. I have found that it is not always useful to hyper-alaze things that are not able to be proven or ascertained with complete certainty, and may cause us more pain and negative emotion if the traumatic event was perpetrated by someone who we love. It is healthier to understand the universal principle that when we are abused by another human, especially the ones closest to us, we experience trauma. Trauma can also result from the absence of the cultivation and nurturing of human emotion and the innate talents and gifts that exist uniquely in all souls. It is the job of our parents to cultivate self love, encourage the identification and cultivation of our innate passions and talents. That often does not happen and our parents present a model or template for us to follow in order to be happy, successful and receive their love. It is based on an erroneous belief system that parents impose in an effort to be loving parents. However, love is not defined by such a model. Love is the act of fostering human growth and independence and setting an example of kindness without the expectation of anything in return.
In our friendship, often our fights have been the result of an exchange of harsh words that cut deep, but are the culmination of many years of experiences and the build up of emotions on a soul level that may have never fully been released, understood or healed. I know that our fight last summer which resulted in my email to you, embodying my deepest and most raw human emotions, penetrated your soul on a deep level and perhaps even the subconscious and buried feelings of shame and self loathing were triggered. You often express that you hate yourself. That is something that we are not born with but is implanted into our programming between the years of 0-3 and then either reinforced or broken thereafter by parents, teachers, friends, society, religion, etc. If our inner dialogue that comes from a journey into self and is not the result of programming from our childhood, we can achieve self love. This is done by eroding fear based thought patterns and dismantling limiting beliefs that do not serve us that our parents or other external compelling source hypnotized us and some are not aware of the thoughts that are controlling us, thus creating negative emotions and behavioral patterns that will continue to repeat and solidify the thoughts that we have about ourselves, the justifications and excuses that we hold in our minds to be able to engage in the behaviors and the end result is our self worth.
SOME OF YOUR CORE BELIEFS MAY NOT EVEN BE YOURS
It is the unique journey of each human to be aware of our thoughts, deconstruct them and get rid of the negative thoughts and patterns that do not serve us and make us feel good about ourselves and replace them with ones that are positive, thus building our self esteem and self love and attracting more love into our lives. It is a formula that cannot fail. When someone is full of deep rooted self hate and shame and unable to break this pattern by the active transformation of our habitual thoughts, and then practicing this pattern until it becomes automatic, they will remain in a place of inner suffering. This is all a matter of human choice to feel good and at peace or to suffer. Those with the deepest levels of shame believe that they do not deserve love and punishment is necessary for all of their evil acts. But nobody should be denied happiness, regardless of past behavior that was the result of unconscious programming and the desire of the individual to engage in self induced shameful acts because they seemed to be the appropriate end result. In this sense, it is not the fault of the individual when they perform acts that do not serve themselves or others who are close to them because that is the subconscious programming and addictive compulsion that enslaves people. If a person hates herself, they are full of negative and toxic beliefs and buried emotions that only continue to build and proliferate, thus attracting more negative experiences, more guilt and more self hate. Self sabotage will become the norm to allow the perpetuation and survival of this pattern because energy can only be transferred from shameful acts which involve the act of robbing energy from others .who possess love and light. This is science, spirituality and reality.
A person who is true to themselves does not abandon oneself with thoughts, feelings or behavioral patterns that do not serve them and promote their highest self. Emotions and thoughts are not always going to be positive! They will be negative sometimes and should be in order to assess if a situation, behavior or person is aligned with them and their inner programming or consciousness. If someone suppresses negative emotions and replaces them with positive ones, they are denying themselves the truth and it is impossible to become an authentic person. If a person bases their feelings on the feelings of others or beliefs of something outside of self, especially when the source is powerful and dominant, their authentic self will be stifled. The stifling of self will only result in deep subconscious frustration, internal warfare and a person who is living as a prisoner to the mind.
The mind is a powerful tool and if conditioned properly, it can be re-wired to automatically think the thoughts that will produce a consistent state of happiness and peace. But there must be an active, daily and habitual choice that we make to transform ourselves. If someone is in denial of who they are and what they have been through, they cannot really be in harmony with how they feel and thus, their identity is fractured and a facade. Thus, external masks and other superficial items are the most important to maintain because they act to conceal the inner pain and suffering that is felt. A person who is hypnotized by erroneous subconscious programming will believe that superficiality and materialism for example will truly yield happiness. Therefore, their behaviors will conform to achieve that belief. Similarly, people who believe that they do not deserve happiness or love will perform acts that solidify such a belief. These behaviors are often subconscious and self sabotaging and done not only to hurt those who they love the most, but ultimately, to kill themselves slowly. After all, why would a person who truly hates himself live a life that promotes the well being and happiness of self.
CONNECT TO YOUR AUTHENTIC EMOTIONS
The journey to Happiness and inner peace commences with the process of connection to emotion and then releasing the emotions by being vulnerable, true to yourself and others and living an authentic life in alignment with the morals, goals and belief systems that you have adopted and created that resonate with you. If you resonate with pain and negative feelings and beliefs and choose to continue engaging in patterns that manifest such negative feelings, then nobody will change. I do not believe that people deep down enjoy feeling miserable and in a perpetual state of personal hell, but if one does, then the heinous and shameful acts will only increase to a point of no return. Pay attention to your feelings and not the opinions and words of others outside of yourself. If you feel guilt and shame, examine why and uncover the root cause of the thoughts, emotions and behaviors that have created such thoughts and feelings. If you believe truly that you deserve a life of pain, and that realization brings you peace and joy, then you make the active and conscious choice to live your life in self destruction and inevitably causing pain to the ones who you love the most who represent the truth.
A person who seeks the truth and conveys the truth is acting for the best interest of the universe, even if it ends a relationship or causes pain to both parties. Our fights over the years have always been the end result of brutal words being exchanged that are released from the unhealed trauma or emotion that we carry within us from the past. That is based on beliefs, emotions and the overall genuine feeling that is shared between the individuals. There is no need for me to list your personal defects, because they are only defects from my point of view and are subject to my perception based on my life events and beliefs and emotions. Thus, the bond that we have with the combination of those energies is a result of the totality of the combined experiences, thoughts, feelings and events that each person possesses individually and as a whole. So in reality, all relationships (with the deepest and long lasting ones being the most intense), are going to be based on the relationship and perception that we have of ourselves and thus, the other person engaged with us.
That means self love is necessary and a discovery of what the truth means to you, not based on my words or perceptions, your parents’ or society as a whole. Only you can take this journey and discover the truth to live an authentic life in which you are in touch with your emotions and can display them without the fear of being vulnerable and weak. It is only by being vulnerable and weak and embracing and showing emotions that you may deem as negative in order to face your fears and discover firsthand that the fear was an illusion and that pain is a positive thing that leads to discovery and growth, empathy and compassion and love for all.
Our words have hurt both of us and we have our own inner demons and battles to fight and continue to overcome. It has been made evident that we hurt one another because of our own hurt internally and the manner in which that self loathing affects our interaction. I am working hard at following my very strong gut intuition and feeling and acting accordingly, without giving things much analysis. It matters not why something is occurring or why a person would hurt us, became we may never know the truth. However, we can always be certain of how we feel and act in ways that serve our highest purpose which will create a natural high. I do not feel good from inflicting pain on others with words, even if they are the truth. But I also know that I have a duty as a friend who is enlightened and has experienced a lot of major life events since childhood, and someone who is closely in touch with my emotions and the emotions of others, I would only be serving you to express those emotions and act accordingly to do what is best for me to be happy and healthy. In turn, that will be the very thing that promotes growth for you, even if it is painful and difficult. I have said some things that have caused you pain, but they were the conveyed with the intention of providing the truth to you based on actions and words over the course of our relationship. My feelings and opinions are subjective in nature and clothed with my emotional attachment from my experience. Similarly, I have been hurt repeatedly and consistently by actions and words and various forms of emotional and psychological abuse that was either intentional or subconscious. Either way, both of our roles were due to the subconscious programming that commenced in our childhood and was most highly influenced by our parents and then over our adult years, it became more embedded and ingrained in our personalities. I have made the continuous and active choice to be in therapy for my PTSD and codependency addiction, and made a commitment to myself to get better because I don’t enjoy repeating toxic patterns with men and friends that harm myself and others. I did not understand why I was attracting this and allowing it and why it was an addiction like any other, having a profound effect on my life. I took the experience and learned the most about myself and humans that I could and am still figuring out how to heal but make process every day.
PURGE YOURSELF FROM RELATIONSHIPS THAT NO LONGER SERVE YOU
One of the major changes I am implementing is removing myself from relationships that do not serve me, leave me feeling empty, emotionally violated or neglected and just trigger an uncertainty about the genuine and authentic nature of the relationship. I don’t think someone can be a real, genuine and emotionally connected friend without having that same connection to self. It is not my job to life coach you and dispense advice and my thoughts on your personality defects. I can convey how your consistent behavior or lack thereof has made me feel on a persistent basis despite the candid and raw communication. I cannot make you be a certain way so that it serves me and then tell you how I feel knowing that you are not capable of giving me what I need and then end up making you feel guilty or bad. All of this is based on the active and conscious choices of both of us. I know how you are and that relationship with me is a mere reflection of the one you have with yourself. Your accusations of my behavior are really projections and deflections of your own behavior but because you cannot accurately self reflect due to the suppression of emotion that has been a pattern of yours that stared in childhood, you see yourself through me as a mirror. I recognize after this past year that the combination of our energies at the place we are at developmentally and with ourselves is toxic and not promoting growth. I know that you have to fully face yourself and the truth and you can only do that by embracing and releasing your emotions. These are simple universal and fundamental truths. If you hate yourself as you said, you will hate me too and sabotage yourself and other relationships and abandon your true self which is a manifestation of mental torture.
I do love you and always will and cherish the friendship as one of the most intense and valuable ones, just as I do with the relationships I have had with some of my boyfriends and other friends. The ones that are challenging teach us the most even if they can be painful at times because they force us to face the truth. I hope you continue to grow, heal, love yourself and look to you and only you for the answers and for your authentic self. Our bond will always be present but the physical and daily connection is not healthy now and may never be. Time heals all wounds and I have continued to achieve a higher state of consciousness through each relationship and adversity that is borne in my deep relationships with people. We are both human beings who deserve to be happy, peaceful and embody a life of love and light.
In the essence of Unconditional Love,
Your Higher Self