The one thing that we all count on in our short lifetimes on this Earth is the untenable bond that we have with our family. We cling onto a belief that the blood that is unique to our DNA code is the one thing that we can truly rely on as unconditional in this unpredictable and unstable reality. The day that we find out the true nature of our family is one that will be burned into my heart forever. It is a day marked by despair and immense sadness; a cold hollow feeling in the soul that feels like a graveyard full of unknown skeletons. This day is one of mourning for the former existence which was based in obligation, conditional love, a facade and forced alliance between a group of strangers who must truly exert effort in order to be in each others company. There is no real acceptance, deep bonding on a soul level in which tears are exchanged or pain is shared with any sense of ease. This is one of the worst feelings one can experience in life. True abandonment, rejection, denial, cruelty and an unequivocal conclusion that love was never there in the first place. Everything feels like a lie. These people who paraded around in costumes with some feigned display of love ended up being a Disney movie without a happy ending. I knew they never really cared and only went through the motions of “love” to avoid social ridicule or have their true character detected as wicked and sinister. Their entire life is an act with a script designed to execute their carefully constructed plan of destruction in which they wish death on their own sister, daughter, baby of the family who was never wanted in the first place but rather the product of adherence to a religious law.
To my family who did not ever want me: I am sorry for inconveniencing your lives. I feel all of your resentment, bitterness, jealousy, anger, hate and death on my life. This life has felt like a prison sentence in which drugs and techno music were the only real relief to this drudgery. Now I am free. Free from the facade and the forced nature of this familial bond in which there was a palpable void of love. I am so grateful for the friends that I have met in my times of darkness who provided that unconditional love of God when my family could not. I love you anyway and I tried my best to love you all, while never feeling like I fit in or had a home. I do not wish this feeling of alienation and degradation on my worst enemy. The scars are deep and the pain is raw.