I don’t know what is real and what is fake anymore. I am still the same person, with a heart that is open and wide, but fear still lingers and creeps in the hidden parts of the soul and when it is released, it can seem to control everything and put me into a panic state in which all I feel is imminent death and raging terror all at once.
Dear God, my Father in Heaven, I am sorry for my sins. I am sorry for not being able to love like you do. I have fallen short of the glory of you, have broken the laws and commandments set for your people so that we can experience your love here on Earth, but for a moment. I still dream and aspire to have love again. Please heal me Father God. There is a hole in my soul that bleeds a seemingly endless stream of pain that breaks my heart every day just a little bit more. I am fractured and fragmented, lost and confused, desperately wanting answers and truth but only finding solace in your Word.
I made a covenant before your Honor with Joshua Lee Niemeyer. Was it real God? Did he mean it? Was his heart ever connected to mine and to you and was this promise in vain or does it defy all semblance of what love is? Only you know Father God, in the highest of heavenly domains, what remains of this now.
Please allow for your will to be done on earth as it is in heaven. Whatever shall be bound on earth shall be bound in heaven. If it is your will for us to come together in the name of unconditional godly divine love, then I pray for this my dearest Father. I come to you with a humble heart with tears streaming down my face and sorrow in my soul.